Google Offers Users Total Privacy (In an Airless, Deadly Mountain Prison)

via Gizmodo by Dan Nosowitz on 8/11/09

Today's Onion News Network video attacks Google's scary-if-you-think-about-it access to all our browsing habits and personal data. If you want privacy, no problem: Just relocate to a giant boxlike mountain prison, and you'll be secure (and dead). Zing!

Like all the best Onion pieces, this video takes the bizarre and scary concepts we ignore despite being right in front of our faces, and spells them out in blunt, hilarious language. As the "Google Exec" says, "If you don't want to give us complete access to your most private thoughts and feelings, that's fine! You can just toil on the hinterlands, and die young."

But my favorite part has to be the consistent juxtaposition of Google's bright happy basic colors on all the terrifying privacy guards and equipment. On the other hand, even if this horrible airless prison was real, I'd probably still get excited about the next Android phone. You win, Google. You win everything, ever.

IBM SNAzzy Knows Your Circle of Friends Better Than You Do

via Gizmodo by Jack Loftus on 8/2/09

That heavy breathing you hear on the phone sometimes? It's IBM.

Specifically, it's the IBM Social Network Analysis for Telecom Business Intelligence data mining tool, or SNAzzy for short, and it knows all about who called who and for how long on the network of "one of the largest mobile operators in the world."

The purpose of this snazzy snooping, as explained by Big Blue researchers, is to spot "churners" on a cell network who might influence their circle of friends with "profit-threatening behavior." The reasoning goes that when one person ditches a cell network for greener pastures, they can inspire their friends to do the same. Enter SNAzzy, which can apparently recognize this behavior, alert the carrier, and allow them to swoop in with retention materials and keep their remaining customers happy. It does this by mapping out call behavior, time, and a bunch of other heavy metrics that seem to be copy/pasted right out of the NSA.

Better still (I say sarcastically), IBM is already eying larger deployments beyond telecoms into areas like social networks. Personally, I can't wait to see what my Facebook picture stalking looks like when presented to me in graph form.